I guess this is going to be an intense first blog, ha.
Anyways, I've felt like I hit rock bottom. I've found that I'm losing faith, stability, trust, and everything else you can think of. I'm losing friendships right and left because I can't figure out how to fix this. I shut out God, started hating myself, not even fighting to hang on. This sounds so dramatic, but that's just how it's been. I put my burdens on others, rejecting any help, and cramming myself into loneliness. I felt worthless, with no wanting of becoming worth anything. I feel like I've become trapped and don't even care to break free.
But last night, last night seemed different. Kalev spoke life into me last night, but I, of course, rejected it. He tried so hard, letting God flow right through him, trying to reach me. I just shut it all out. But around 1 am, I started listening. I started opening up to it. He gave me some good advice, and I went through with it. And let me tell you, what happened next was intense.
At about 2:30 am, after hanging up with Kalev, I put on some quite worship music and just sat there. I waited for God to show up. Just sat there. Then finally, I just let it spill. I was weeping, my heart was breaking. It seemed like how God had been feeling just struck me. I just gave it all to God, told Him how I felt. Just let it all loose on Him. Everything I needed, everything I had been longing, BAM. It just showed up. I was instantly covered in love, grace, joy, peace. I wasn't lonely anymore. It was like God had just done surgery and took everything bad that had been building up and just removed it.
I wish I had a better depiction of it, but I don't. I could never fully describe to you what God did for me last night. Ever. I feel like my faith has been reestablished, I'm overflowing with love, I finally have peace, I feel restored.
I don't know why I had been doing what I was, but it's gone now. I feel like I have worth. I feel like I'm loved. I feel renewed. It's like I've gotten saved all over again. I finally let God into my heart and he did what I think is a miracle. I had pushed Him out so badly, that it didn't stop Him.
Last night, I finally came home.
