Vocabulary lesson, yeah.

Fear.


It's four letters. Just four simple letters of the alphabet. But in all reality, those four letters keep us from accomplishing some of the tasks God has given us to glorify his kingdom. For Core 100, we're reading a book called Connecting Like Jesus. Next to the Bible, then Harry Potter, it may just be one of the best books I have ever read. Although you can probably guess what this book is about just from the title, its worth reading. I pinky swear. Connecting Like Jesus has reshaped my mindset when it comes to relationships with other people. It also has reshaped the way I see myself. I'm only five chapters in, but the only other reading that has ever convicted me was the Bible. This book has shown me that a four letter word can define your life. It most certainly has defined mine.

There's so many things that people are afraid of these days. I was interested in random phobias so I "googled" them. Here's the most interesting one I found: ambulophia. The fear of walking. Another one that was eye-catching was: euphobia. The fear of hearing good news. To some, these fears are outrageous and irrational. To others, we can reason with them. Every single person in this world can agree on one simple thing. We all have a fear of something and we would rather live without that fear. I have two super personal phobias that have been controlling my life lately. The first one is anuptaphobia. The fear of staying single. I have a major fear that I won't get married for one reason or another. I have been dealing with this fear for about two years now. To you, it might be irrational. I'm not making up excuses for this fear, but I do have logic behind this. When we were kids we all played "House" at some point. Didn't your pretend family always have a mommy and daddy? Ever since I was a little girl I've wanted to get married. Marriage is a union made by God for two to become one. My second fear is thanatophobia. Some of you probably already know the definition of that. If you don't, it means the fear of death. When I say I have this phobia, I mean I have the fear the death of a loved one. I think we can all agree that losing people in our life isn't fun. I've had this fear for around a year. I'm sure I'm not alone on this fear.

Fear usually derives from hurt. A few nights ago, I was talking with a boy from my Core group. Something that he said really hit home with me. He told me that my body language shows that I've been hurt multiple times. I was really shocked when he could tell that by just observing my interactions with people. He said it was this deep pain that I try to hide and to the naked eye, you probably couldn't tell that I had it. I was even more shocked that he was right. After he left, I did some examining of myself. I'm afraid of not getting married, I want nothing more than to find that man God has made for me. The quirky stand point of that is that I'm afraid of getting hurt. I try to stray as far away from emotional hurt as much as possible, but I see perfection in marriage. Like I mentioned earlier, it's the union of two becoming one centered around and made by God. I don't like disappointment, because that usually leads to hurt. Then there's that fear of losing a loved one. Been there, done that. Multiple times. That fear usually leads me to having trouble connecting to people. But then there's this new word.

God.

Three letters. The best combination of three letters in the alphabet. The fears that I have, they all get cast upon him. One verse from Connecting Like Jesus that really made me think involves another word that God brings in abundance.

Love.

Four letters. One of God's gifts to us. Something that is so different and so unique coming from our God. His love is unfailing. His love is redeeming. His love is enough to cast any fear out. The verse that really, really convicted me of my fears is 1 John 4:18 - There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out all fear. When coming across this in the book, I broke down into tears. I felt the instant need to repent before God. I hadn't been trusting Him in those areas of my life. I hadn't offered them to Him to be healed. And that's where I'm at now. I'm letting God heal me, once again. I'm letting Him take control. I'm trusting Him. The One that won't fail me. The One that always loves me, despite what I do. The One that weaves everything together for my good. The One worth falling in love with. The One.

Today I challenge you to examine yourself for your fears. Then offer them to God. One way my Core prof. said to think of it, is that each fear you have is a sweater you're wearing. Regardless if you've got only one on or you're wearing so many you can hardly move, each time you tell God a fear of yours, imagine yourself taking off that sweater. You'll feel better once you do. This I can promise you.

With grace,
Emily Rose.

A mustard seed is quite small, but let's go bigger!

^A quote by Oscar Wilde. :)

< At Kylemore Abbey in Ireland. :)

These two pictures seem quite different, but in all reality they're quite the same. Let me explain.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm one of those hydrogen molecules from the picture in the top left. Ebbing and flowing at such a fast pace, I feel like I never have time to catch the view of this creation called life. Also, wouldn't you agree that there are many hydrogen molecules in that stream above? Well, there are over six billion people on this planet. Sometimes the world throws at us that there are so many humans on this planet that it is impossible to be loved. Sometimes I find myself thinking that out of the six million living, breathing human beings on this planet, God takes the time to stop and love ME. Someone as insignificant as ME. He thinks about me more than the total amount of grains of sand on this planet. Personally, that keeps me in awe of Him. Now to the linking of the two photos. The quote by Oscar Wilde is just a snippet of the Christian faith, really. We are never poor in God's eyes. He loves us way too much. We are overflowing with His love. His imprint is in us and around us. Don't believe me? Google image laminin. :) Anyways, although there are so many people in this world, God loves us so we are NEVER poor! :) Dang. Haha. This thought process has been consuming my mind for a majority of today.

Today was a heck of a lot better than the previous. Ian and Justin came to visit me at work. I guess that reassures me in our friendships. :) Thank goodness for that. Also, God couldn't have moved anymore in my life today. I'm not kidding. It's story time. You ready? If not, oh well. :) Here it goes!

I was running an errand for a teacher and on my way to the General Office I was stopped by some girl I had never even spoken to in my life. I've seen her around school and such, but never had a conversation with her. I smiled and said hey, but the next thing is what got me. She asked me if I could pray for her. Right then and there. She had heard around school that I was really in love with God and she just spilled her entire heart out to me. My heart broke for this girl. I was crying with her in the hallway at school, people were staring, random passersby were laughing. She insisted that she needed prayer and she didn't know what Jesus was all about, but she needed it. I got to pray for her in my school. Can you say woah? I sure can, ha. But it's not over yet. As I was leaving school today, a good friend of mine was on her way to tennis when I noticed she was crying. I asked her what was wrong and she openly told me. She also asked me to pray for her. Right there. I did, of course. She was so happy that I just took the time to do that. I simply told her to thank Jesus and she did. :)

I can't believe this all happened. I'm in awe of God more than I ever could be. Ever. Ever. Ever. Twice in one day? Wow. I still can't fathom today. I really can't.

After I got off work, I went to Margie's for a bit. I love her. She's known me since I was a tot and has never stopped loving me, even when I was a snot-nosed brat. She's watched me grow so much that it's insane. I told her how my life had been going lately and we just talked about everything. I seriously can't thank God enough for her. I have been blessed so much to have a role model like her in my life.
- P. S.: Margie, I know you read my blog. I promise I'm not sucking up to you. :) I just love
you so much!

Last night, I sat in on the Sophomore Girls' Life Group at Metro. They were talking about faith. They were digging into the book of Hosea and reading about the miracles of Jesus. All I could think about the whole night was a mustard seed. Scripture says that faith the size of a mustard seed could move mountains. But what if all had faith the size of a watermelon?! Imagine what could happen then! :) Oh, boy. Haha.

My life "to-do" list is starting to get accomplished. I've been letting God pick up the pieces and He's been putting me together. I'm no where near done, but it's definitely a start! I was able to look at myself in the mirror this morning and think that I was beautiful. It's been a long time since that has been able to happen. So the being able to love myself aspect is starting to come together. Along with the making my relationships better with not only Jesus, but my best friends. :)

Okay, "thank you time" to two of my newest and closest friends that God has blessed me with!

• Natasha - for inspiring me and helping to love myself. Also, thank you for being one of the few people who actually read my blog. Most importantly, thank you for being there for me. You're a wonderful girl and I can't wait to be at SAU with you!
• Heather - Oh, Heather. You're definitely a risk taker for wanting to dorm with me next year, ha. Just kidding. You're such a good friend. You've done nothing but listen to me and comfort me. I really appreciate all the love you've shown me!

Well, it's now 12:03, and I have the first part of my Honors Physics final exam tomorrow. I think I'm going to hit the hay. Goodnight!

"We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature -- trees, flowers, grass -- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls." - Mother Teresa

For real, rock bottom.

Ready for another intense blog?

Last night, I thought things were really looking up. I spent some time with God, just sitting in his presence again. I was telling Him how I only have a week and a half left of high school and how badly my school needs His love. I was begging Him to reveal what He had planned for the future of my school. The next part is really cool. I felt Him speak to me. Well, slap me is more like it, ha. If God could physically slap people in the face, well He can, but you get the idea, I definitely felt it. It was like, "Uh, girl, I've been waitin' for you to ask Me this." Haha. He told me that He has something huge planned, but I'm still waiting to know what this huge thing is. I feel like the clock is winding down, but I know God has it in His hands. Things will play out how they are meant to.

Well, now to the crash and burn...

I was on the phone with a good friend last night. I was telling him all of what I felt God had spoken to me and asked him for help. We then got into another conversation. It was a pretty deep conversation. That doesn't seem too bad, right? Wrong. Earlier in the day, my friends' hearts were getting broken left and right it seemed. Even my own was in major need of repair. Well, some drama broke out. Cool, right? Again, no. I felt like I thought I had lost everything. Little did I know, there was more to lose. I'm not going to lie, I felt like I lost my best friends. I guess I didn't, and I hope I'm guessing right.

Angelina came and visited me on break today at work. I really needed a friend and she came. I'm really glad for that. It helped comfort me. She listened when I told her how my life was a mess and I felt like it was beyond repair. Honestly, I know it is repairable. It just takes a whole lot of Jesus and a massive amount of time.

So in sum, today didn't make things better. The only way things are going to get better are by putting them in God's hands.

Here's the "To-Do List" of my life. Are you ready? Well if you aren't, too bad, ha. Here it goes:

• Focus on my relationship with Jesus more.
• Fix my relationship with Jesus.
• Fix myself.
• Love myself.
  
• Fix my relationship with my parents.
• Fix my relationships with my best friends.
• Fix relationships with the people I've hurt of the past year that I haven't already.
• Fix my relationship with the boy I fell for, after my heart is long healed.

Sounds pretty lengthy, eh? Yep. Only Jesus can help me now...

Pray request time! Pray that I have the courage, strength, and motivation to to all of the above. Pray that my relationships strengthen with others. Pray that my friends' hearts heal. Pray that my heart becomes rejuvenated and healed. Pray that I protect my heart, I thought I had it down, but I guess not.

Okay, I know you're probably annoyed with me by now. I'm sorry if that's the case. But just love me right now, please? I need it more than you know. Don't be afraid to check on me a lot. I need that a lot, too. Just shoot me a text. Ask me to hang out. When you see me, hug me really tight. Check up on me, a lot. Anything. I really, really need your love and support.

Thank you for all your love and support guys, I really mean it.

God bless,
Emily.

In desperate need...

I guess this is going to be an intense first blog, ha.

Anyways, I've felt like I hit rock bottom. I've found that I'm losing faith, stability, trust, and everything else you can think of. I'm losing friendships right and left because I can't figure out how to fix this. I shut out God, started hating myself, not even fighting to hang on. This sounds so dramatic, but that's just how it's been. I put my burdens on others, rejecting any help, and cramming myself into loneliness. I felt worthless, with no wanting of becoming worth anything. I feel like I've become trapped and don't even care to break free.

But last night, last night seemed different. Kalev spoke life into me last night, but I, of course, rejected it. He tried so hard, letting God flow right through him, trying to reach me. I just shut it all out. But around 1 am, I started listening. I started opening up to it. He gave me some good advice, and I went through with it. And let me tell you, what happened next was intense.

At about 2:30 am, after hanging up with Kalev, I put on some quite worship music and just sat there. I waited for God to show up. Just sat there. Then finally, I just let it spill. I was weeping, my heart was breaking. It seemed like how God had been feeling just struck me. I just gave it all to God, told Him how I felt. Just let it all loose on Him. Everything I needed, everything I had been longing, BAM. It just showed up. I was instantly covered in love, grace, joy, peace. I wasn't lonely anymore. It was like God had just done surgery and took everything bad that had been building up and just removed it.

I wish I had a better depiction of it, but I don't. I could never fully describe to you what God did for me last night. Ever. I feel like my faith has been reestablished, I'm overflowing with love, I finally have peace, I feel restored.

I don't know why I had been doing what I was, but it's gone now. I feel like I have worth. I feel like I'm loved. I feel renewed. It's like I've gotten saved all over again. I finally let God into my heart and he did what I think is a miracle. I had pushed Him out so badly, that it didn't stop Him.

Last night, I finally came home.